I’ve been stocking our freezer. It’s one of the little rituals I find myself doing when life gets uncertain- I freezer stockpiled before 2020 made it cool. It’s comforting to have all those meals ready to grab and go. It’s also a little sad to see those pathetic attempts at control all lined up in sharpie-labeled gallon ziplocks.
This current push to stockpile came from news that there was possibly a fifth child who could be heading to our family. Possibly. Maybe but we weren’t sure. But if XYZ happened, it was a definite (maybe). Fostercare is fun like that. Honestly, six years of living with some level of limbo and uncertainty are wearing me out.
This (possible) (probable) (within the realm of possibility) news set us in a tailspin. I battled over here with the Lord. It was a hard fight. It brought up all my limping wounds from foster griefs in years gone by. It brought up all my stress and feelings of inadequacy. It made me take stock of my day-to-day in a different way and triggered all of that latent anxiety that maybe I would fail our current four because I’m already spread so thin as it is.
NP had his own battles with the Lord. Many tears fell. We told the bigs. There were tears. There was also bouncy excitement which checked my heart and reminded me of God’s goodness. NP and I surrendered. And as we actively trusted the Lord to sustain and keep us yet again, we allowed our hearts to be open. We focused on the good. We prepared to love with our whole hearts. We checked our phones for calls from the county.
And then. That maybe possible probably uncertainty turned to an unnecessary struggle and it turned out to not be where God would lead us. At least not right now.
So now, I have a stocked freezer and a familiar lack of closure and a heart strangely grieved when one would think I’d be relieved.
Friend, I don’t know what your hard yes may be. I don’t know what place of uncertainty and trust our good Shepherd may lead you to. But here is what I do know.
You (and I) are not the saviors. He is. He is the only One able to redeem and restore a life. He doesn’t need me. If He chooses to work in this child’s life outside of our family, He is certainly able to do so without Super Kristi trying to save the world on my own.
Your hard yes is not the same as mine. We have unique struggles, unique callings, unique challenges and good works prepared in advance for us. But He knows and sees and will uniquely care for us in the unique places He calls us. Each heart knows it’s own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy (Proverbs 14:10). No one but Jesus. And He is more than enough.
Sometimes the struggle to surrender IS the journey He takes us on. He is using it all. Every battle. Every wrestling. Every anxiety lugged up that hill to the cross and laid down. As we die to ourselves more and more we look more and more like Him. It’s never wasted, even when we don’t see the full picture this side of eternity. It’s. never. wasted.
He is big enough for this. He is safe to trust with your story. He is safe to trust with your heart.